
Allah does not require of any soul more than what it can afford. All good will be for its own benefit, and all evil will be to its own loss. (Surah al-Baqarah 2:286)
When I first read this ayat I thought, Whew! Alhamdulillah because I can't take a lot! Fast forward many years later, after many trials, traumas, and situations I hadn't expected to encounter so early in life, here I am, with a new understanding.
The fact that I now understand is that ONLY Allah azza wa jal knows what we can and cannot handle. How often have we stated with surety that we would never be able to handle what we see someone else going through? How many times did it become us? Loss, death, struggle, heartache, all of us have encountered all or some of it.
The thing with caregiving is that we, the caregivers, and our beloved parents are having the same experience, at the same time, with each other. So if we take the time, we can empathize with each other because we know exactly where the other one is mentally and emotionally. Admitting this may be difficult for some, as losing abilities, independence, safety, relationship, privacy, and health can be very challenging to our emotional state and ability to put the shoe on the other foot. But let's do just that.
Take a moment to think about the loved one you're caring for. What are their needs now? What was their life like before becoming dependent on your help? If they've never been independent, what would their life have looked like had Allah willed? What are the daily struggles that they face? Fears? What have they tried to communicate that either went unheard or unaddressed? How does the future look for them? What are their relationships like now versus before becoming dependent? What is their social circle like? How often does their phone ring? I could go on.
Likewise, how are you, the caregiver, doing? How has your life changed? What's missing? What is a daily struggle? How about a struggle in general? How have your relationships changed and your idea of how your life would be at this time? See? Parallel experiences. The difference? You can change your experience if you really want to. You could leave your loved one to someone else, say you're done, that's it, you've had enough. They can't do the same.
So what is the bright side of all of this? We know the blessings that Allah promises those who perform good deeds purely for His sake and with sincerity. We know the reward for honoring and caring for our parents. But what about you, the person? How has your life transformed for the good from this experience?
Although they may not see it, your loved one's life has improved also. They have you alhamdulillah. They're getting care. They aren't alone now. Their basic human needs are met, and then some in most cases. They are in your care, being looked after in ways that they may not have done for themselves as they aged. In the midst of their illness, pain, and end of life processes, they may not see things this way. They are returning to the children they once were.
But you, we, have to be the bigger people. The caregivers always are. We can't rant and rage and give up. We are responsible for our loved one's mental, physical and emotional wellbeing. That's a huge job! How long have you performed this job? Three days, a week, 10 years? It doesn't matter. It's hard work and you should be thankful that Allah chose you, as we stated previously. Allah azza wa jal chose you to be blessed, tried, rewarded, and transformed! Alhamdulillah!
So now is the time to count those blessings, and a part of gratitude is thankfulness, and Allah azza wa jal tells us to let the people know of His favor upon us alhamdulillah.
Grab something to take notes with, and answer these 5 questions:
Who was I before caregiving and what about me needed to be improved? We you more focused on yourself, work, unorganized, a procrastinator?
How have I grown spiritually from this process? Do you call on Allah now more than you ever did? Give thanks more often? Read or recite more? Become more grateful for your health?
What improvements have my physical body gone through? Have you gotten stronger from lifting, lost a few pounds, started cooking healthier?
How has my mental and emotional balance improved? Are you more patient? Do you think more before speaking? Do you cherish your down time more?
What things have I accomplished as a caregiver that I had not been able to achieve before my loved one became dependent upon me? Have you read more books? Taken more walks? Spent more time in the sun? Met more people? Gained a network? Asked for help more often?
Take your time. Write down whatever comes to mind, then fine tune it. Dig deeper until you really see the transformation. You'll jot down superficial things at first, maybe even some passive-aggressive things out of frustration. But if you truly want to grow and celebrate that growth, go as deep as you can and pull out those jewels you've gained. I promise you they are there, just waiting to be polished and appreciated.
Next time we'll talk about caregiver resentment insha Allah.
Thanks for reading!
Safiyyah 🌹
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